Bury Me In Snow & Joy

One thing I can say about 2021, is it's a year I'll never forget. I achieved some of my grandest dreams and goals, but have also been living through one of my worst nightmares. But you know what? I'm so glad they're happening together.

Let's just get this out of the way: in October of this year I went through a miscarriage. And as I type this, I don't know if I've processed it yet or just buried it. But again, I'm so grateful that I've had so much joy to bury it in.

In May our little family moved to Maine-- a dream I've had for years. People will tell you not to build things up so unattainably in your head, because there's no way it will ever be able to live up to what you've imagined. But it can. And it might even be better than you dreamed. I truly don't think I could see myself ever living anywhere else in America for the rest of my life.

The summer was rocky, but I took a few leaps of faith in September and couldn't be more proud of where I've been in that time. I've spent the past six months making theatre professionally and finding a creative home in Maine. After Disney I was so burnt out of performing and I truly didn't know if I'd ever do it again, and certainly not professionally. But it turned out to be exactly what I needed. To be surrounded by this theatre family during my miscarriage was a gift from God. The love I felt and support I received was beyond humbling and I can't imagine where I would have gone without them.

Then the day after the hospital confirmed the miscarriage, I started a new job at my library. Talk about a sucker punch. I walked into the children's room praying there wouldn't be any children, all while actively losing my first child. I cried to my brand new boss. Her response, and the response of the entire staff, showed me everything I needed to know about my new workplace. I don't think they'll be able to get rid of me for a very long time.

The families I've met in this precious city have made me laugh, baked me cookies, had me over to babysit, and even come to see me perform. I doubt a single one of them knew what I was going through or what their kindness has done for me.

So here we are at the end of 2021; a year I'm glad is over, but a year that makes me so excited for 2022. My head and heart are so jumbled up and I'm sure they'll continue to be (particularly in late May/early June when we would have been welcoming our little one). But here is what I see today:

• snow on the ground

• a loving, healthy family of humans and animals

• enough books to last me through the winter

• a Hallmark-worthy job with a quirky staff

• doctors who have taken care of me with dignity and respect

• other dreams on the horizon to keep me excited for the year ahead

• memories of creating magic for six whole months

This was a hard year for everyone, but particularly for me. But I'm so blessed to say that I was never alone. I thought losing a baby would make me feel that way, but I don't. This Mainer is ready for spring, but finding so much happiness in the winter. Bury me in snow and joy.