This is Me Trying

Oof. It HURTS to read that last blog post. Or rather, it would hurt if I allowed myself to read it.

That last entry held the news that I was pregnant. And now I'm not. And this loss feels epically, horrifically worse than the last one. For many reasons that I'm still processing. I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I'm so so confused. Well, part of me feels all those things and part of me still feels numb.

Our family, both blood and found, are grieving this week, completely unrelated to my loss earlier this summer. Death seems so present and so many around me are reeling. And I just... it's so easy to get overwhelmed.

But before I'm devoured by despair, I'm typing this. Being raised a Southern gal, I was taught to be humble and modest. But not today. Today I'm a New Englander: confident, resourceful, and proud. I'm going to celebrate a summer full of things I'm proud of. This summer sure is full of a million things I wish I could forget, but full of so many I hope I never do.

I designed a set. A big, colorful, FUN set for a gorgeous theater I'm proud to call home. I was terrified from the moment I was asked to do it, and part of me wondered if it would actually happen. "How can I get out of this without burning a million bridges and letting everyone down?" Particularly when I was pregnant, then maybe not, then definitely not, all while we were under construction.

I finished my second manuscript. It's rough, it's messy, but it's done. It's nothing like I thought it would be and fiercely personal in a way that took me by surprise. And I still can't believe I was brave enough to send it to people I love and admire and ask for their advice. And for them to give it to me, along with their love and encouragement? Priceless.

I'm proud of starting a youth theater camp for my community. Just like I did in my backyard when I was fifteen years old, I wanted to make a place for those kiddos that knew they were theater kids but no one had ever given them a place to be one yet.

I performed for hundreds of families in an original musical written by some of my favorite people. It's a show I'm proud of and honored to be asked to be a part of and little wannabe paleontologist me has cried more than once about how lucky she is to grow up and sing and dance and teach kids about dinosaurs.

I'm proud that I advocated for myself during a ridiculously traumatic medical experience. I'm proud that even in unexplainable grief, I was able to summon just enough strength to fight and find a team that will also fight with me in the future.

I'm proud of the renovations we've done on our house. In the midst of busyness, tragedy, an insane workload, and all kinds of spiritual and emotional messes, we were still able to carve away at a never ending to-do list. A cozy fall and winter don't seem so farfetched now!

I'm proud of putting one foot in front of the other. I'm proud of all the times I smiled and laughed even when I didn't want to. I'm proud of all the times I told people, "Hey I'm good at this, would you let me try that?" And I'm beyond grateful for all the people who agreed, trusted me, and let me. But I'm also proud that even when I'm told "wait" or "try again", I do.

So, not trying to steal from Taylor Swift, this is me trying. Again. On so many things.

Thanks for being here. Couldn't do it without you.